Morning came much earlier than I wanted it to, bright and dazzling and seeping into the wagon with a persistence. It pulsed inside the wagon, and I thought perhaps there was some magical spell ongoing, but it turned out to be the flaps opening and closing with the push of brother wind. I imagined it was telling me to wake up already. There were voices too, human voices that existed outside the world I had been living in within the canvas. As I cleaned up the area I had been sleeping in, I recalled a hint of the dream I must have been having just before I woke. My amulet of blessings had turned into a multi petalled bloom, and just as young girls often do, I had been plucking them one by one, saying the answer is yes, the answer is no. I had to laugh at myself as I realized I woke before that last petal - and the answer - was arrived at.
Once I stepped out onto the platform, greeting the day with a long larl like stretch, I settled down to business. I felt I needed more information, I needed to make my pros and cons list, I needed to examine the silver linings in each cloud. I needed to see if my dreams were in need of stretching, maybe taking out a paint box and filling in other colors. There was a lot of activity in the camp this day, and I wondered if this was something special. Not many came right near the small group of wagons where I stood, but I could easily call to those wandering by if I wished to. I looked to the other wagons, wondering if the Brave Warrior had slept the night in one. If he had, I suddenly hoped he was already gone doing whatever he might need to do. I was just not ready yet.
A slave with honey brown curls that lay like sausage casings against her cheeks was approaching the platform with a steaming bowl and another bota slung over her arm. Her name was Dee, short and simple, and - she said - easy for her Master to shout. I asked if she would sit and talk with me, and she agreed, but not until after she had completed a few chores. I found I looked forward to it, and realized I could use a little company. As I ate, I called out as cheerily as possible to any that I saw ambling past. Some just waved and went on their way. Some paused, seemed to study me from afar and then went on their way. Two women finally were curious enough to come a little closer and I asked them to join me. I realize I must look like quite a sight, dirty still, but at least I was covered in a pelt so that I kept warm and covered. I explained to them, briefly, that I was struggling with a problem, and would like to know how they felt about a few questions I had. Asking them what kept them devotedly free, what hopes and dreams they had for their lives, and how those had changed from their youth, along with their viewpoint on slaves was probably an awful lot to be asking at a first meeting. But we were basically strangers, and strangers sometimes can share alot without the fear of it being intimate knowledge.
I did the same with a few slave girls that happened by the little clearing I affectionately now called home. I can not say any of the answers were prominent enough to make up my mind for me. In fact, it was quite the contrary. I felt even more confused than when I had started. Some women seemed destined for bearing, nurturing and caring for children and their extended families. Others held firmly to the perfection of their skills and talents in their birthright clan as their primary driving force. Opinions about slaves were so varied and many that had they been colors, I would have had a full spectrum.
When Dee finally returned, a basket of mending in hand, I warned her that I hoped she had plenty of time. For this was going to take a while. She was easy to talk to, having a sweet sense of humor that I found enjoyable. She seemed to have a ready answer for everything I asked. I started with questions about the Brave Warrior Fonce, admitting to her that he was much younger than I had expected. She asked me if my choices would have been easier had he been the much older well seasoned Warrior I had envisioned, and I hardly hesitated before I said without a doubt. She asked me if I would have been happier had he given me no choice. I had to think upon that. That question should have been easy, but it wasn't. Had he given me no choice, I would have done my best to adapt. That much I knew. When she offered that he could have given me back to the Paravaci, I wasn't so comfortable with adapting.
Then she asked what I wanted. I mustered up the basic idea of to love and be loved. Dee wanted to know what being loved meant, and there I stumbled a bit. I realized, I had no easy answer to that question. To share everything in my life with another, with someone who cared in return. Dee thought those were vague concepts, that tended to grow in clarity each time you were involved in a relationship. I said I wanted to be wanted, then she told me that the Vaci wanted me and it didn't seem so important then. She wondered how it would work had I gone on to the City. I told her as much as I could envision. I knew well enough that I may not find my perfect picture. Life held no guarantees in such things. Connections could be made and broken with as much ease, and - like anyplace - I could end up in much the same position I was in. Even the idea of returning to my birthplace, Yama's ranch, was a secondary thread to my faith in my dream and what I wanted for my future. Dee laughed a bit and said that to her it seemed that how I got to my dream would be the icing on the cake, not the most important part, and in that I had to agree with her. Then she said something, and suddenly it reminded me of what Yama said once - "every relationship is a leap of faith. even ours."
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